18++ 14 Mar 2005

Rejoice my horny little lambs! Let me help steer you
away from the silky thighs of sin and into the arms
of the divine.
- Ester Brimley

---------------------------------

Dear Ester,
I am a virgin and I really want to have sex with my fiancé
but he really thinks it's important to wait until we're
married. Shouldn't I check out the goods before I buy?
- Ready, Willing, and Able

Dear Ready, Willing, and Able,
Time and time again I receive letters from terrible little
whores such as yourself begging to be absolved from the good
Lord's wishes. And what are His wishes? Why, one only need
look to the 16th commandment: "Thou Shall Not Partake In
Carnal Pleasures Outside of the Sacrament of Marriage".
While you're at it, you might also take note of the 26th
Commandment: "Thou Had Goddamned Better Honor the 16th
Commandment - Unless Thou Craveth a World of Unimaginable
Posthumous Genital Torment"!
And so while the Good Lord frowns on pre-marital skewering,
let it also be known that He is forgiving. Were he not, why
even Ester would be but another befouled shish kebab sizzling
atop Satan's eternal hibachi. Nevertheless, despite my own
failings, I must insist that you wait. Under NO circumstance
are you to deliver unto your loins your fiancé's unblessed
pocket jockey. Do not fall prey to your sickening cravings!
Think not of the fulfilling blood fever which will overtake
you when at last he presses his veiny bratwurst into your
grossly humid crotch lagoon. Is that clear, trollop?!
That's right, wait until the Lord sanctions the union, and
only then may you ply your frigid betrothed with the
seductress's irresistible enticements: thigh high woolen
stockings, edible prune panties, and a hot VapoRub(tm)
bunion massage.
And so I say yet again: resist, Resist, my dear! Resist
and marry - and perhaps God will smile on you and permit
one of your offspring to be born without a dead, grotesque,
conjoined twin attached to its Godless shoulder.

---------------------------------

Dear Ester,

I have never, ever, had an orgasm. How do I tell my boyfriend
that he doesn't make my boat rock?
- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
Orgasms are God's way of saying, "You're a filthy, despicable
whore." So you see, by failing to have an orgasm, you are in
fact inadvertently performing the Lord's work. Or perhaps your
male friend (whom you're clearly defiling through endless
sessions of pre-marital fornication) is actually a righteous
tool of God himself. He may not know it, but by joylessly
impaling you atop his throbbing staff of boneless sirloin, he
prevents you from realizing your sickening climax - and thereby
helps save your eternal soul (worthless though it may be).
Let me come down to your level for a moment, dear. I'm aware
that orgasms feel pleasurable; they're supposed to. And while
Sin may be fun now, you'll be awash in regrets later when
you're being gang-raped by Minotaurs in Hell! So from this day
forward, you must ignore the pleasure: the pounding, sweating
rapture; the slow, hot friction; and the explosively-moist
pelvic contractions pushing you over the precipice of desire
and into a mind-blowing world of smooth, teeth-knashing abandon.
Instead, you should thank God for giving you a lover who has
the common courtesy to leave you frustrated and on the road
to redemption.
Now if you don't mind, I'd like to wipe the excrement from my
sensible shoes and leave your level, you smutty little slut
born of a Godless bitch pumped full of Satan's rotten seed.
There - I've said it. Now please repent.

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