Thursday, March 31, 2005

18++ 1 April 2005

Delivery

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked
the obstetrician solicitously.

"Nah," replied the mother to be. "He and my husband
don't get along."

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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

18++ 30 Mar 2005

A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the
basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

F: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different
things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.

S: What do you mean, Dad?

F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their
occupation.
For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the
other
hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

S: What do other women say?

F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and
over
again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one
bit."
S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

F: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial
penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over
your
mouth and nose and breathe normally."

S: And what does mother say?

F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling
beige."

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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

18++ 29 Mar 2005

Three women are sitting in a bar talking about their love lives.

The first one says, "My husband is an architect. When we make
love it has power, it has form, it has function. It's incredible!"

The second one says, "My husband is an artist. When we make
love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision. It's wonderful!"

The third woman sighs and sips her margarita, then says,
"My husband works for Microsoft. When we make love,
he just sits at the end of the bed and tells me
how great it's going to be when it gets here."

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Monday, March 28, 2005

18++ 28 Mar 2005

Late one night a couple were in bed, the man reading his newspaper and
the
lady reading a novel. THat night the lady was feeling kinda horny but
didn't want to disturn her man. Suddenly the man places his hand under
the
sheets in which the lady gets all excited, but 2 seconds later the man
pulls
his hand out and continues reading his paper, causing the lady to
continue
reading. Five minutes later the man places his hand under the sheets
and
yet again the lady gets all hot and horny, but 2 seconds later the nad
is
pull out again, this continues on for a while.. finally the lady could
take
it and yells out "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? YOUR GETTING ME ALL EXCITED AND
THEN
YOU STOP!!!" in which the man replied, "sorry honey i just wanted to get
my
finger wet so i can turn the page!"

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

18++ 24 Mar 2005

A health article was published today stating that adult circumcision is
not
protection against HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases.

I must disagree. Ask any man: If you chop off a chunk he's not going to
want
to put it *ANYWHERE* for awhile!

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JOKE OF THE DAY
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As wise men say, a joke a day keeps the doctor away. So step into the
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WORTH READING
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chance to question the priorities of existence and also to get their
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18++ 23 Mar 2005

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package
on
the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell
me
that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"

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WORTH READING
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of wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your
chance to question the priorities of existence and also to get their
answers.

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

18++ 16 Mar 2005

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging
away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her," says
the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her.
Within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.

The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The
mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up
onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell
happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after
that? Was she all right?"

The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me
back to her place to spend the night."

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.

"Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the screwing, I must
have run a thousand miles!"

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JOKE OF THE DAY
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As wise men say, a joke a day keeps the doctor away. So step into the
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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words
of wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your
chance to question the priorities of existence and also to get their
answers.

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Monday, March 21, 2005

18++ 21 Mar 2005

-------------------------------------------------
Marriage - Part I
============
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ........ whether you're
here or not."

Marriage (Part II)
============
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

Marriage (Part III)
============
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the beakfast
table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either,"
and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty
and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone
after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so
long to answer
the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)
=============

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of
Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The
man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his
wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts t the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated
by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Marriage (Part V)
=============
The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the
man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning busines flight. Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of
paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man
woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

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JOKE OF THE DAY
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WORTH READING
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Friday, March 18, 2005

18++ 15 Mar 2005

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the
cook
saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner he
cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and
ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the
cooking" "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

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JOKE OF THE DAY
----------------
As wise men say, a joke a day keeps the doctor away. So step into the
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WORTH READING
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Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words
of wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your
chance to question the priorities of existence and also to get their
answers.

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18++ 18 Mar 2005

Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to
take a crap..."

The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your
stuff."

The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have
any toliet paper."

Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't
you? Just use it to wipe yourself."

Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff. Minutes later he
comes back with crap all over him.

The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"

"Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two
dimes, and a nickel?"

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JOKE OF THE DAY
----------------
As wise men say, a joke a day keeps the doctor away. So step into the
health zone by sharing a hearty laugh. A variety of jokes that are
ludicrous and trivial, witty and wacky, spontaneous and sportive.
Wishing you a laugh riot.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words
of wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your
chance to question the priorities of existence and also to get their
answers.

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Thursday, March 17, 2005

18++ 17 Mar 2005

Dwarf Dilemma

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we
finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front
of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go
ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me,
young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do...do they
have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest,
Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey
continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few
black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part,
Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any
midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there
are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing,
and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

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JOKE OF THE DAY
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As wise men say, a joke a day keeps the doctor away. So step into the
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WORTH READING
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Monday, March 14, 2005

18++ 7 March 2005

A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be
her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning
to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli
casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets
out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table
heard the poot.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and
said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her
face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time,she didn't even hesitate.

She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at
the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and
thought, "yes!"

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she
didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train
whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

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JOKE OF THE DAY
----------------
As wise men say, a joke a day keeps the doctor away. So step into the
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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words
of wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your
chance to question the priorities of existence and also to get their
answers.

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Sunday, March 13, 2005

18++ 14 Mar 2005

Rejoice my horny little lambs! Let me help steer you
away from the silky thighs of sin and into the arms
of the divine.
- Ester Brimley

---------------------------------

Dear Ester,
I am a virgin and I really want to have sex with my fiancé
but he really thinks it's important to wait until we're
married. Shouldn't I check out the goods before I buy?
- Ready, Willing, and Able

Dear Ready, Willing, and Able,
Time and time again I receive letters from terrible little
whores such as yourself begging to be absolved from the good
Lord's wishes. And what are His wishes? Why, one only need
look to the 16th commandment: "Thou Shall Not Partake In
Carnal Pleasures Outside of the Sacrament of Marriage".
While you're at it, you might also take note of the 26th
Commandment: "Thou Had Goddamned Better Honor the 16th
Commandment - Unless Thou Craveth a World of Unimaginable
Posthumous Genital Torment"!
And so while the Good Lord frowns on pre-marital skewering,
let it also be known that He is forgiving. Were he not, why
even Ester would be but another befouled shish kebab sizzling
atop Satan's eternal hibachi. Nevertheless, despite my own
failings, I must insist that you wait. Under NO circumstance
are you to deliver unto your loins your fiancé's unblessed
pocket jockey. Do not fall prey to your sickening cravings!
Think not of the fulfilling blood fever which will overtake
you when at last he presses his veiny bratwurst into your
grossly humid crotch lagoon. Is that clear, trollop?!
That's right, wait until the Lord sanctions the union, and
only then may you ply your frigid betrothed with the
seductress's irresistible enticements: thigh high woolen
stockings, edible prune panties, and a hot VapoRub(tm)
bunion massage.
And so I say yet again: resist, Resist, my dear! Resist
and marry - and perhaps God will smile on you and permit
one of your offspring to be born without a dead, grotesque,
conjoined twin attached to its Godless shoulder.

---------------------------------

Dear Ester,

I have never, ever, had an orgasm. How do I tell my boyfriend
that he doesn't make my boat rock?
- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
Orgasms are God's way of saying, "You're a filthy, despicable
whore." So you see, by failing to have an orgasm, you are in
fact inadvertently performing the Lord's work. Or perhaps your
male friend (whom you're clearly defiling through endless
sessions of pre-marital fornication) is actually a righteous
tool of God himself. He may not know it, but by joylessly
impaling you atop his throbbing staff of boneless sirloin, he
prevents you from realizing your sickening climax - and thereby
helps save your eternal soul (worthless though it may be).
Let me come down to your level for a moment, dear. I'm aware
that orgasms feel pleasurable; they're supposed to. And while
Sin may be fun now, you'll be awash in regrets later when
you're being gang-raped by Minotaurs in Hell! So from this day
forward, you must ignore the pleasure: the pounding, sweating
rapture; the slow, hot friction; and the explosively-moist
pelvic contractions pushing you over the precipice of desire
and into a mind-blowing world of smooth, teeth-knashing abandon.
Instead, you should thank God for giving you a lover who has
the common courtesy to leave you frustrated and on the road
to redemption.
Now if you don't mind, I'd like to wipe the excrement from my
sensible shoes and leave your level, you smutty little slut
born of a Godless bitch pumped full of Satan's rotten seed.
There - I've said it. Now please repent.

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JOKE OF THE DAY
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WORTH READING
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Saturday, March 12, 2005

18++ 9 Mar 2005

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?"
The guy says, "Gee, I don't know". The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in
aisle 4."

He goes over to see Sophie; she grabs him in the crotch, and yells,
"Medium". The guy is mortified; he hurries over to pay and get out of
the store.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, the clerks asks the size, and again
sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells,
"Large". The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?"
The kid (embarrassed) says, "I've never done this before. I don't know
what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.

She grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"

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JOKE OF THE DAY
----------------
As wise men say, a joke a day keeps the doctor away. So step into the
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Wishing you a laugh riot.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words
of wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your
chance to question the priorities of existence and also to get their
answers.

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Or simply go Blogging @
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Thursday, March 10, 2005

18++ 10 Mar 2005

Lost with Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its
"Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the
ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was
"Are you lactating?"

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this
ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France,
but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known
porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery,
"Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where
it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man
to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in
Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a
chicken affectionate."

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JOKE OF THE DAY
----------------
As wise men say, a joke a day keeps the doctor away. So step into the
health zone by sharing a hearty laugh. A variety of jokes that are
ludicrous and trivial, witty and wacky, spontaneous and sportive.
Wishing you a laugh riot.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words
of wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your
chance to question the priorities of existence and also to get their
answers.

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http://groups-beta.google.com/group/WorthReading
Or simply go Blogging @
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Thursday, March 03, 2005

18++ 3 March 2005

A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory.
The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he
regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that
she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low
skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" assembly line. The woman happily
accepts.

He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she
should be in at 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The "Tickle Me Elmo" Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting
about the woman just hired.

After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed
up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the
problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up
from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he
had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a
big bag of marbles.

They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles
and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after
several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks
over to the new employee and says:

"I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to
do was give Elmo two test tickles."

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JOKE OF THE DAY
----------------
As wise men say, a joke a day keeps the doctor away. So step into the
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Wishing you a laugh riot.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words
of wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your
chance to question the priorities of existence and also to get their
answers.

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Wednesday, March 02, 2005

18++ 2 March 2005

Little Joey was in class and the teacher was giving a vocabulary lesson.
The word of the day was "indefinitely." She asked if any of the children
could use it in a sentence.

Joey's hand shot straight up, but she chose another student: -
"Indefinitely. The clouds stretched indefinitely across the sky."

"Very good, Veronica. How about another, Timmy?"

"I waited on line for the bus indefinitely"

"Another excellent example. Thank you." Joey was really going crazy and
finally the teacher decided to call on him, he seemed so much to want to
contribute.

"By the way my balls banged against her buttocks I knew I was in
definitely."

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They inspire, they motivate and at times they tickle your funny bone.
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JOKE OF THE DAY
----------------
As wise men say, a joke a day keeps the doctor away. So step into the
health zone by sharing a hearty laugh. A variety of jokes that are
ludicrous and trivial, witty and wacky, spontaneous and sportive.
Wishing you a laugh riot.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words
of wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your
chance to question the priorities of existence and also to get their
answers.

Join the Worth Reading mailing list @
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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

18++ 28 Feb 2005

Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination
and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself 'How am I
going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?'

After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his
office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual
condition.

She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is
suffering from Nixon's Disease.

She says "What?"

He again responds, "Nixon's Disease."

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"

He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs
in your oval office."

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They inspire, they motivate and at times they tickle your funny bone.
But they never miss to touch your heart. Your daily supply of chosen
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from great leaders.

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JOKE OF THE DAY
----------------
As wise men say, a joke a day keeps the doctor away. So step into the
health zone by sharing a hearty laugh. A variety of jokes that are
ludicrous and trivial, witty and wacky, spontaneous and sportive.
Wishing you a laugh riot.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words
of wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your
chance to question the priorities of existence and also to get their
answers.

Join the Worth Reading mailing list @
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Or simply go Blogging @
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********************** Legal Disclaimer ****************************
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